Saturday, November 10, 2007

Turn Dog Poop Into Dollars!

Do you love dogs and like making money? As you will see, this may be a simple business, but it definitely has super profit margins and a great return on your investment. Get your own exclusive protected territory.

"Keeping your Lawn Green and your Shoes Clean!"

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Are Sexual Orientation Labels Required on Craigslist Now?

If it's not a requirement, then these two must be having a personal spat about the dog! These are two separate posts listed on Craigslist, I'm guessing they are neighbors!

Lesbians need fencing so their dog can run free

Me and my partner just moved to Welches and we have a little dog that needs a fenced yard. There is approx 50 feet we need to fence. I know there are kind people out here that enjoy helping those in need. I am one of those people when I have the resources. At this time we are hard pressed to come up with extra money to buy fencing. Poor little Emma is not allowed outside much because she runs everywhere. Please help if you can. I can barter my services if interested. I work with energies and can help you clean your aura and get rid of physical, emotional and mental pains. Thank you for your time.

Hetrosexual Looking For Fencing Material

Me (male) and my girlfriend (female) would like some free fencing so that our neighbors dog will quit coming into our back yard and pooping on our lawn.

Very interesting, I wonder if anyone dares to get in the middle of this one!?!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

British Pony Poop For Plants

Original Ad Reads:
You haul big or small! Aged pony/sheep/chicken manure empty 50 pound grain bags and shovels provided for backyard gardeners to Fill and Haul. Easy to get to in a covered manure shed. I have no tractor for loading, but can provide some shovels and 50 pound grain bags. Fill up a bag and put it in your car boot! (trunk for Americans, but the ponies are British, so using a British term!) If we fill the bag at $2 each. Come by anytime between 9am and 5pm on Labor Day (we'll be having a garage sale too) or email to ask about other times. We'll be around most of the next 4 days.

We don't have any way to dispose of all of the animal poop that is produced on our land, so we'll make you an offer - You can have it FREE!!! In fact, this is very special aged British pony poop, and it's available to you at no cost for a limited time only. We also carry old chicken and sheep poop, and we'll bag it for you for two bucks a bag, that way you don't have to shovel the old poop yourself.

Saturday, August 4, 2007

Hating Four Legged Crappers

I have neighbors on both sides of me with dogs and they are all assholes. Most dog owners disregard the laws and don't pick up the poop just like the poster. Dogs are just dumb animals. People in the city with dogs should be taxed double.

I'm guessing that this person must have stepped in a pile of crap this morning...? I highly recommend they stay away from my yard, our bulldog leaves some rather large landmines. But then again I don't live in the city, so I must not be an asshole or deserve double taxing!

Picking Fruit Makes Cats Happy

Do you have trees or bushes full of fruit or vegetables? I would love to help you to unburden those poor plants! Just think of an apple tree or lettuce plant working so hard all year to get ready for harvest season, and now there is just too much for you to use! If you give some of the fruit or vegetables to my mother and me, your plants will be so happy! Yes, indeedy, the lovely darling plants will feel USEFUL if you pick their treasures! Perhaps, (like my cats when THEY are happy), if you let me help you pick your fruit and veggies that you won't be able to use, your plants will feel so content that they will purr??? WOW! Wouldn't you LOVE to hear that??? In fact, did you know that the month of August has been officially designated as: "Be Kind to Fruit Trees, Fruit Bushes and Vegetable Plants Month" ? ---------- We are all OBLIGATED to take pity on them and pick their offerings!

Yes, people. If you want to make your plants feel useful, you need someone to pick their fruits! It makes her feel happy, it makes her cats feel happy.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Wanted: Live-in Nanny to care for two infants in NW Portland. Established professional couple will provide private accommodations in a spacious and fully-furnished floor of a newer multilevel home in an upscale neighborhood.
Experience/Background Preferred:
- Chinese language skills
- Non-smoker
- Past experience caring for an infant
- Background, credit and reference check required
- Infant CPR training
- Oregon Criminal History Registration
- Should have own transportation
Compensation: no pay

Translation: We want someone that is highly trained, speaks fluently in at least two languages, and need you to move out of your home. We need you to have a car, and even if you have a car payment you will need to either be filthy rich or have a very large savings to pay for your own gas and food, and other living expenses because we don't plan to pay you a cent for your troubles, even though we live in a wonderful home and make plenty of money to pay someone to care for our children. All we plan to offer you is a place to live in exchange for excellent quality care for our two precious babies. We expect you to pass intensive criminal checks, because most people who will work for free will steal to make ends meet.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Needing a White Trash Washboard Band

Do you have a band that plays jug, washboard, saw, kettle string, spoons, juice harp, etc? If so, we're looking to hire you for our upcoming White Trash Wine Tasting Party. Pay is cheap, (all the recyclables you can carry) but there'll be lots of good "white trash" food and drinks. If you behave yourselves we may even let you stay for midnight croquet.

Interesting way of hiring someone, insult them by calling them "white trash" offer them your garbage, and expect them to entertain you! How about this, I'll show up with a few pots and pans, get a few little kids to bang on them for a bit while singing the theme song to Beverly Hillbillies! You can recycle your own garbage, and none of us will behave - leaving you to play midnight croquet with your "white trash" wino friends!

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Wanted: Unfriendly Goats

I need a couple of goats to eat brush on my land. I would prefer a couple that are not somebodys pets, the last set we had, were raised in some gals house, and I could not get them to eat brush, instead they were trying to get in the house to play with my shitzus. They will have a good home, but then need to pull there weight. Cash or trade, let me know what you have, Thanks.

Maybe I've misunderstood, but they want goats that don't play in the house, just eat the brush. But the cash or trade part, "let me know what you have" sounds like they want your goats and your goods!

Friday, June 8, 2007

How Much for that Banana?

My name is Scott. I have a couple of hairs on my behind area and I feel great remorse for ever having grown them. I feel tainted. My doctor refuses to give me my weekly rectal exam because he is disgusted by my hairs. I tried to shave, but I cannot see my bum. I can only feel the soft downy hairs. I am willing to trade you a half eaten banana for a very dull razor that I can use for you to come and shave the harsh whiskers off of my bum. I just do not want anyone to see what my bum looks like or I would be mortified. Plus, I have worms, and I do not want anyone to know about that. Those worms are my pets, and to have them harmed is unthinkable. They are for sale however. You could use them for fishing bait as long as you promise not to harm them. You will need to pay me for the half eaten banana if you giggle at my infested rectal area. Please do not laugh. Love eternally, Scott

Alright, I'm going to have to pay up, I slipped and giggled a little, sorry Scott!

Can't Buy Me Love

Weird but im trying to get back the love of my life and I need help its going to sound kinda weird but I need 300 dollars by tommorow evening. I am willing to do anything!!!! Well nothing to weird.. Just looking for good people out there wanting to save a relationship save love..

How about a copy of the movie "Can't Buy Me Love", do you think that will help save your relationship? I'm wondering what the money is for...Perhaps a deal with the loan shark didn't work out very well, and they're taking his thumbs tomorrow night!

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Will Barter for Butter

I would trade some old faded newsclippings of no particular subject for some velvety butter that I can smooth on my delicate bum bum. I prefer "I Can't Believe it's Not Butter." But not the spray. That will sting my stretchmarks. I plan to smack my adorable perky bum until it is bright and rosy red. If you have any extra cartons of butter, I indeed will trade you my valuable newsclippings. (They are of no value.) If you would prefer to come and slather the butter on my bum yourself, that would be okay as well. Just promise not to peek, or I will be humiliated.

By far this is one of the most hilarious requests I've seen yet on Craigslist! As a matter of fact, there was even a name and picture of the "bum bum" ready for spreading! But I held back on posting the name, just in case someone is playing a cruel joke on another person!

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

I'm Not Asking That Much of You, Really

Hi, I am in need of desperate help with housecleaning of my apartment. What I am looking for is someone who is extremely professional with a Master in Custodial Engineering, must show proof of degree. You must also have at least 6 professional references from past employers, plus two letters of recommendation from previous professors. I would also like to see some before and after pictures of your previous work; you know, something really drastic and shocking, sort of like the those cheesy late night commercials showing someone losing 400 pounds in three weeks eating nothing but tofu.

Must have a valid license from the State of Oregon in custodial re-engineering and licensure from the health department. Also, you need to use completely organic cleaning materials because I am allergic to everything, yes, everything; hair, air, water, saliva, urine, flowers, carpet, wool, bamboo, noodles, soy, watermelons, children.

Must carry full insurance. Must have at least 15 years professional experience in the Domestic Asset and Fungi Relocation industry. Also, you cannot have a sense of humor, as I own none such thing.

I have a 400sf studio that needs very deep cleaning. No carpet, just wood floor that was hand-cut by children in Northern Canada then was carried to my home by Laotian donkeys, don't ask how we came about the donkeys. One toilet, one sink, very small shower. Small kitchen. I need the floor scrubbed with a tooth brush of fine natural hair from an Asian Ox; I will provide the ox.

In return for this service, I will take some instant Polaroid pictures of you. Don't worry, they will be very classy and professional as I have a Doctorate in Photographic Reproduction. If that's not enough, I will also give you a 15 minute massage; well, I won't give you the massage, we'll drive down to the mall to one of those little massage chairs in the middle of the food court where they charge by the minute. I look forward to hearing from you!

I don't even know what to say to that one!

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Tree Climber Offers Aerial Rescues

25 year tree climber specializing in dead hazzardious removals. quality tree care at a cheeper price. we also do aireial cat rescues.

I think I need to call this guy, my cat has been stuck in the air for an hour or so, and has yet to come back down. I hope "aireial" cat rescues are cheap!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Take All, Not Just the Undies

I have various sizes of pantiliners, kotex and underwear for incontinence. Must take all.

Hmmm, bummer. I only wanted the underwear.

Friday, March 2, 2007

Stranger than Strange: The Un-Dead Hamster

I think this is nearly impossible but I'm looking for a licensed pet taxidermist, who does hamsters/small animals. Now I know this probably won't happen. My hammy isn't dead yet I'm just preparing for the future. Thank you. Please no mean or ridicule. Thanks

I don't know about "impossible", but this is definitely one of the stranger ads posted on Craigslist. Probably already has a pretty little spot on the shelf, already picked out!

Saturday, February 3, 2007

Some Craigslist Ad Titles Are So Misleading!

Looking for miniature horse or donkey to love...

Dude, that's not legal here . . .oh, wait - that was only the title! Reading the rest of the ad clears it up a little!

Looking for miniature horse or donkey to enjoy our acreage with the goats and Alpacas. I'm not looking to purchase them just rehome them if they are in need.

Ahhh, I get it now!

Friday, January 26, 2007

Lemme Borrow Your Mower, I'll Feed it for You

We have a 1/2 acre fully fenced with a 1 stall barn. I would like to have an animal or animals to graze the 1/2 acre during the grass growing season. we do not want to keep the animal during the winter. If you need to graze your animal and are willing to take it back when the grass stops growing, get in touch with us. Your animals must share our barn yard with the resident Chickens. We would like to have small animals such as Goat, Goats, Sheep, Alpaca, Alpacas, Miniature Horse, Miniature Horses. No full size horses please, we have experience with Goats and Sheep. So you need land, and we need grass trimming, we have no intention to keep these animals, but they will be safe and cared for during their stay.

Really now... But I think I'm more entertained by the use of singular and plural animal names, with the exception of sheep. What, you won't take a lamb? But no full sized horses, they have no experience with riding mowers!

Saturday, January 6, 2007

The I-Can't-Fix-it-Guy Needs Help

Help me finish many projects. Please have experience, transportation and time to work. Please own tools, and be reliable. I need baseboards installed, windows repaired, a window framed, and many other projects.

Translation: I started many projects, but I never finish anything. My wife is getting upset, so it's time to get them done now. I hope you have experience, because I don't know what I'm doing, and that's why I never finished. Please bring your own tools, all I have is a bag of nails and a wrench.