Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Wanted: Live-in Nanny to care for two infants in NW Portland. Established professional couple will provide private accommodations in a spacious and fully-furnished floor of a newer multilevel home in an upscale neighborhood.
Experience/Background Preferred:
- Chinese language skills
- Non-smoker
- Past experience caring for an infant
- Background, credit and reference check required
- Infant CPR training
- Oregon Criminal History Registration
- Should have own transportation
Compensation: no pay

Translation: We want someone that is highly trained, speaks fluently in at least two languages, and need you to move out of your home. We need you to have a car, and even if you have a car payment you will need to either be filthy rich or have a very large savings to pay for your own gas and food, and other living expenses because we don't plan to pay you a cent for your troubles, even though we live in a wonderful home and make plenty of money to pay someone to care for our children. All we plan to offer you is a place to live in exchange for excellent quality care for our two precious babies. We expect you to pass intensive criminal checks, because most people who will work for free will steal to make ends meet.

Sunday, July 8, 2007

Needing a White Trash Washboard Band

Do you have a band that plays jug, washboard, saw, kettle string, spoons, juice harp, etc? If so, we're looking to hire you for our upcoming White Trash Wine Tasting Party. Pay is cheap, (all the recyclables you can carry) but there'll be lots of good "white trash" food and drinks. If you behave yourselves we may even let you stay for midnight croquet.

Interesting way of hiring someone, insult them by calling them "white trash" offer them your garbage, and expect them to entertain you! How about this, I'll show up with a few pots and pans, get a few little kids to bang on them for a bit while singing the theme song to Beverly Hillbillies! You can recycle your own garbage, and none of us will behave - leaving you to play midnight croquet with your "white trash" wino friends!