Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Wanted: Unfriendly Goats

I need a couple of goats to eat brush on my land. I would prefer a couple that are not somebodys pets, the last set we had, were raised in some gals house, and I could not get them to eat brush, instead they were trying to get in the house to play with my shitzus. They will have a good home, but then need to pull there weight. Cash or trade, let me know what you have, Thanks.

Maybe I've misunderstood, but they want goats that don't play in the house, just eat the brush. But the cash or trade part, "let me know what you have" sounds like they want your goats and your goods!

Friday, June 8, 2007

How Much for that Banana?

My name is Scott. I have a couple of hairs on my behind area and I feel great remorse for ever having grown them. I feel tainted. My doctor refuses to give me my weekly rectal exam because he is disgusted by my hairs. I tried to shave, but I cannot see my bum. I can only feel the soft downy hairs. I am willing to trade you a half eaten banana for a very dull razor that I can use for you to come and shave the harsh whiskers off of my bum. I just do not want anyone to see what my bum looks like or I would be mortified. Plus, I have worms, and I do not want anyone to know about that. Those worms are my pets, and to have them harmed is unthinkable. They are for sale however. You could use them for fishing bait as long as you promise not to harm them. You will need to pay me for the half eaten banana if you giggle at my infested rectal area. Please do not laugh. Love eternally, Scott

Alright, I'm going to have to pay up, I slipped and giggled a little, sorry Scott!

Can't Buy Me Love

Weird but im trying to get back the love of my life and I need help its going to sound kinda weird but I need 300 dollars by tommorow evening. I am willing to do anything!!!! Well nothing to weird.. Just looking for good people out there wanting to save a relationship save love..

How about a copy of the movie "Can't Buy Me Love", do you think that will help save your relationship? I'm wondering what the money is for...Perhaps a deal with the loan shark didn't work out very well, and they're taking his thumbs tomorrow night!

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Will Barter for Butter

I would trade some old faded newsclippings of no particular subject for some velvety butter that I can smooth on my delicate bum bum. I prefer "I Can't Believe it's Not Butter." But not the spray. That will sting my stretchmarks. I plan to smack my adorable perky bum until it is bright and rosy red. If you have any extra cartons of butter, I indeed will trade you my valuable newsclippings. (They are of no value.) If you would prefer to come and slather the butter on my bum yourself, that would be okay as well. Just promise not to peek, or I will be humiliated.

By far this is one of the most hilarious requests I've seen yet on Craigslist! As a matter of fact, there was even a name and picture of the "bum bum" ready for spreading! But I held back on posting the name, just in case someone is playing a cruel joke on another person!

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

I'm Not Asking That Much of You, Really

Hi, I am in need of desperate help with housecleaning of my apartment. What I am looking for is someone who is extremely professional with a Master in Custodial Engineering, must show proof of degree. You must also have at least 6 professional references from past employers, plus two letters of recommendation from previous professors. I would also like to see some before and after pictures of your previous work; you know, something really drastic and shocking, sort of like the those cheesy late night commercials showing someone losing 400 pounds in three weeks eating nothing but tofu.

Must have a valid license from the State of Oregon in custodial re-engineering and licensure from the health department. Also, you need to use completely organic cleaning materials because I am allergic to everything, yes, everything; hair, air, water, saliva, urine, flowers, carpet, wool, bamboo, noodles, soy, watermelons, children.

Must carry full insurance. Must have at least 15 years professional experience in the Domestic Asset and Fungi Relocation industry. Also, you cannot have a sense of humor, as I own none such thing.

I have a 400sf studio that needs very deep cleaning. No carpet, just wood floor that was hand-cut by children in Northern Canada then was carried to my home by Laotian donkeys, don't ask how we came about the donkeys. One toilet, one sink, very small shower. Small kitchen. I need the floor scrubbed with a tooth brush of fine natural hair from an Asian Ox; I will provide the ox.

In return for this service, I will take some instant Polaroid pictures of you. Don't worry, they will be very classy and professional as I have a Doctorate in Photographic Reproduction. If that's not enough, I will also give you a 15 minute massage; well, I won't give you the massage, we'll drive down to the mall to one of those little massage chairs in the middle of the food court where they charge by the minute. I look forward to hearing from you!

I don't even know what to say to that one!