Tuesday, June 5, 2007

I'm Not Asking That Much of You, Really

Hi, I am in need of desperate help with housecleaning of my apartment. What I am looking for is someone who is extremely professional with a Master in Custodial Engineering, must show proof of degree. You must also have at least 6 professional references from past employers, plus two letters of recommendation from previous professors. I would also like to see some before and after pictures of your previous work; you know, something really drastic and shocking, sort of like the those cheesy late night commercials showing someone losing 400 pounds in three weeks eating nothing but tofu.

Must have a valid license from the State of Oregon in custodial re-engineering and licensure from the health department. Also, you need to use completely organic cleaning materials because I am allergic to everything, yes, everything; hair, air, water, saliva, urine, flowers, carpet, wool, bamboo, noodles, soy, watermelons, children.

Must carry full insurance. Must have at least 15 years professional experience in the Domestic Asset and Fungi Relocation industry. Also, you cannot have a sense of humor, as I own none such thing.

I have a 400sf studio that needs very deep cleaning. No carpet, just wood floor that was hand-cut by children in Northern Canada then was carried to my home by Laotian donkeys, don't ask how we came about the donkeys. One toilet, one sink, very small shower. Small kitchen. I need the floor scrubbed with a tooth brush of fine natural hair from an Asian Ox; I will provide the ox.

In return for this service, I will take some instant Polaroid pictures of you. Don't worry, they will be very classy and professional as I have a Doctorate in Photographic Reproduction. If that's not enough, I will also give you a 15 minute massage; well, I won't give you the massage, we'll drive down to the mall to one of those little massage chairs in the middle of the food court where they charge by the minute. I look forward to hearing from you!

I don't even know what to say to that one!

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