Are You an Astronaut with a Death Wish? We Need You!

Actual ad posted on 10-12-09 in Northern Alberta

Astronaut Needed

Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan. I have been working on this project now for near 40 years and am afraid I'm no longer fit enough to go.

My secret space craft is the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist.

The craft harnesses a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material. While considerably safe, I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home. Here's your shot at romantic history.

Must be:
-physically fit.
-mentally sound.
-over the age of 18.
-a dreamer.
-a believer.
-not afraid of heights.
-not afraid of extreme conditions such as speed, pressure, heat, etc.
-brave.
-no taller than 5'10 and relatively slim.
-good eye-sight & hearing.
-manual dexterity (although the craft is largely cpu controlled).
-OK in cramped conditions for long periods of time.

Location: Northern Alberta
Compensation: $25,000 CASH.
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

This is Why They Teach Sex Ed in 5th Grade!

Wanted: time machine DESPERATE!!!

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Date: 2009-01-12, 5:53PM MST


Desperately need a time machine to take me back 6 weeks in time, plus or minus a day. If you have a time machine and are willing to let me borrow it, or know of someone with an impending trip back in time, please let me know ASAP!

I will pay big bucks to have myself warned to NOT sleep with that tramp at the One and Only Bar on the Boulevard.

Tell me that she is very, VERY fertile that night in question, and has a whopping 3 STDs that I will get if I copulate with her.

VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!!

I WILL WRITE YOU A BLANK CHECK IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES!

Key things that will let the me in the past know you are for real:

*Tell me that you know about the rubber ducky incident

*Tell me that you know that I pissed in my friends pool last week, when he was in it.

*Tell me that no matter how hard I try, the lesbian at Barnes and Noble will NEVER go for it, no matter how many sex books I ask her opinions on.

If I still doubt you- use this one-----

*Mention that you know I made out with my cousin when we were drunk at a kegger last summer- NO ONE KNOWS THIS BUT US TWO!!

VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!!

You Catch 'em, You Keep 'em - No Kill Homes Get First Consideration!

FREE VERMIN!!!!

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Date: 2009-01-13, 5:28PM MST

2 Free very cute, young, rambunctious, healthy, WILD mice. We don’t have it in our hearts to kill the little guys, but alas they’re vermin none the less…..these guys are fast, and, apparently, completely unscathed by, “quick humane death” traps. Maybe you got a mouse maze from one of your kids science/woodshop projects that never really was that entertaining because feeder mice are too dumb and slow…..these little guys are smart (smart enough to figure out how to lick the traps clean of peanut butter repeatedly….) and VERY fast (and they can jump straight up about 8’inches). Theres two, so you can race ‘em and take bets?......maybe you’re the type of sicko that would love to see your cat get a bit of exercise and a treat or two……maybe you’ve a snake who needs a bit more of a challenge than a lab mouse…..or perhaps you’ve taken to falconry and lab mice aren’t worthy quarry for your fine feathered friend……..MAYBE you got a soft spot in your heart and a good place to let these guys go (that’s be awesome, just not by my house).

The thing is, I’ve gone to battle nail and tooth with these little bastards for over 2 weeks (cleaned traps, avoided traps, they’ve dodged and antagonized my Jack Russel Terrier, who’s got it out for them something fierce-impressive by itself)
Now you’d think that that would make it easy enough for me to just squish them or throw them out, alive in a sealed container into the dumpster…..But, alas, they’ve been formidable foes, leaving me more than impressed on one occasion, and, as my girl says, they’re just so damn cute! So, here I am like Pancho Pilot, wanting only to have my hands clean of the affair, leaving their fate to the rabble (craigslisters) and wanting only peace of mind.

Please let me know if you plan to keep them as pets or set them free somewhere more, “rodent-friendly” and you will get priority- but seeing as the current demand (blame the economy) is low for wild mice as pets, they’re more than welcome, and worthy, to be lunch/entertainment for your fiendish God complex- At least they might have a fighting chance, sort of.

I'd also like to add;
Ive since switched to the oldschool wooden traps- a bit messy and anachronistic, but they really are a quick humane death.

and if anyone says peanutbutter is the best way to catch a mouse, they're wrong!!! parmesian cheese is the absolute best, it's irresistable to the little guys!!!

Honey, We're Havin' Road Kill for Dinner!

WANTED: ROADKILL

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Date: 2009-01-20, 3:57PM EST

I want your roadkill. Why, might you ask? Simple. I drive around and regularly see 1-2 deer a week on the side of the road, rotting. Since an average deer has about 80-120 pounds of usable venison on it, its a shame that all that meat is wasted. Plus, you can't normally buy venison, so unless you have a hunting friend or hunt yourself (or pay crazy prices at a restaurant), you can never enjoy the lean, tasty meat that is venison.

So, here's my offer. If you happen to hit a deer (or larger animal, although I don't think we have many of those in southern Virginia), you can bring the animal to me, and I'll carve it up for you, and split the meat 50/50. I hunt, and I do my own butchering, so it doesn't take too long for me, and I enjoy it. Since hunting season is now passed, I'd like something to occupy my time, while also filling my freezer.

There are rules though, like anything else in life:
1. It has to be a deer or bigger. I'm not carving up a flat squirrel for you.
2. It must be less than a day old. God only knows what happens to the carcass after a day of sitting there.
3. You have to call the police after your accident. The cops come out and issue you a permit so that you legally own the deer. It's quick, and it keeps it legal (I'm not carving up poached animals, and if you poach, you should rid the world of your sorry existence).
4. You bring the animal to me (I'm in Suffolk), and I do the rest, and call you when its done. If you live in Suffolk, or hit the deer in Suffolk, I could come to you, but I'm not driving to VA Beach at 10 pm at night.
5. I'll cut up the animal and give half the meat to you in sealed bags. I'll even label it, so you'll know what cuts you're getting. You eat it and enjoy!

Of course, you may feel odd eating roadkill. I mean, that's a redneck thing, right? Absolutely untrue. For starters, you're using meat that would normally be wasted, so its good for the environment. Venison is leaner (deer don't sit on big farms eating corn), healthier (no injected hormones here!), and tastier (there is no such thing as "gamey" meat. That's just anti-hunters trying to justify themselves) than beef. Plus, you get it for nothing (except whatever your car insurance deductible is, if you decide to file a claim). All these positive reasons are sure to impress your hippie friends, if you are unfortunate enough to have some.

Drop me an email (I check it all the time, so replies won't take long) when you hit a deer. If you're a police officer and want my phone number (since you probably get calls all the time), you can email me and I'll give you my cell number. If its late, you can always temporarily store the animal at your house and bring it over when I get back to you.

Start enjoying the meat of your unfortunate labors!

• Location: Hampton Roads, VA
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Nipple Shields

Title Reads:
Nipple Shields

Ad Reads:
3 nipple shields for breast feeding. All in excellent condition and sterile. Comes for non smoking home, calls only please

Personal Note:
My roommate thought they were for belly dancing . . . I don't know if that says more about the ad poster, or my roommate. The title might be misleading, but at least the ad cleared it up.

Kids Need a New Home Now - Puppy Coming Soon!

This person obviously put a lot of time and creativity into creating this hilarious anti-pet-re-homing ad. The flaggers and the ad-police where in full swing when this was posted!

HELP URGENTLY REQUIRED!

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Please help! After two long years of being on a waiting list for an exotic rare breed dog, we were finally notified by the breeder that at long last, our number has come up, and...

WE'RE HAVING A PUPPY!

We must IMMEDIATELY get rid of our children now, because we just KNOW how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be! Since our puppy will be arriving on Monday, we MUST place the children in new homes this weekend!!!

They are described as:

One male, white, blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Name is Tommy. Temperament tested. Current on all shots. Tonsils removed already and very healthy condition!

Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house trained and gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and with a little time and training, he will do well in a new home.

One female, strawberry blonde hair, green eyes. Three years old. Can be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Her name is Mary. Temperament tested, but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out, and is very healthy and happy (mostly.) Gets along well with little boys, but does not like to share toys.

She is house trained, and would do best in a one child household.

We really LOVE our children, and want to do what is best for them. I hope you understand, that ours is a UNIQUE situation, and we have a real emergency here! They MUST be placed by Sunday night at the latest.

Offering a Thousand Dollars to Extract a Troubled Tooth

This is a serious offer. I am offering $1,000 in cash to a knowledgeable Dentist or Dental Student to extract my tooth. Industry standards and tools must apply. I'm not looking to make things worse for myself.

I have gone the medical and dental route and had no luck. However this tooth is giving me GREAT problems. More details upon serious request.

No names or questions asked. Please only serious offers from knowledgeable dental people please respond.

The Problem with this request:
If there are no names or questions asked, how can you be sure that the person who responds has experience? Tools and dental books are available to any old Dommer on the internet!! I would think that $1000 could easily pay for an extraction procedure at a traditional dentist, you know . . . the kind that doesn't work out of their home!