British Pony Poop For Plants

Original Ad Reads:
You haul big or small! Aged pony/sheep/chicken manure empty 50 pound grain bags and shovels provided for backyard gardeners to Fill and Haul. Easy to get to in a covered manure shed. I have no tractor for loading, but can provide some shovels and 50 pound grain bags. Fill up a bag and put it in your car boot! (trunk for Americans, but the ponies are British, so using a British term!) If we fill the bag at $2 each. Come by anytime between 9am and 5pm on Labor Day (we'll be having a garage sale too) or email to ask about other times. We'll be around most of the next 4 days.

Translation:
We don't have any way to dispose of all of the animal poop that is produced on our land, so we'll make you an offer - You can have it FREE!!! In fact, this is very special aged British pony poop, and it's available to you at no cost for a limited time only. We also carry old chicken and sheep poop, and we'll bag it for you for two bucks a bag, that way you don't have to shovel the old poop yourself.

Hating Four Legged Crappers

I have neighbors on both sides of me with dogs and they are all assholes. Most dog owners disregard the laws and don't pick up the poop just like the poster. Dogs are just dumb animals. People in the city with dogs should be taxed double.

I'm guessing that this person must have stepped in a pile of crap this morning...? I highly recommend they stay away from my yard, our bulldog leaves some rather large landmines. But then again I don't live in the city, so I must not be an asshole or deserve double taxing!

Picking Fruit Makes Cats Happy

Do you have trees or bushes full of fruit or vegetables? I would love to help you to unburden those poor plants! Just think of an apple tree or lettuce plant working so hard all year to get ready for harvest season, and now there is just too much for you to use! If you give some of the fruit or vegetables to my mother and me, your plants will be so happy! Yes, indeedy, the lovely darling plants will feel USEFUL if you pick their treasures! Perhaps, (like my cats when THEY are happy), if you let me help you pick your fruit and veggies that you won't be able to use, your plants will feel so content that they will purr??? WOW! Wouldn't you LOVE to hear that??? In fact, did you know that the month of August has been officially designated as: "Be Kind to Fruit Trees, Fruit Bushes and Vegetable Plants Month" ? ---------- We are all OBLIGATED to take pity on them and pick their offerings!

Yes, people. If you want to make your plants feel useful, you need someone to pick their fruits! It makes her feel happy, it makes her cats feel happy.

Wanted: Live-in Nanny to care for two infants in NW Portland. Established professional couple will provide private accommodations in a spacious and fully-furnished floor of a newer multilevel home in an upscale neighborhood.
Experience/Background Preferred:
- Chinese language skills
- Non-smoker
- Past experience caring for an infant
- Background, credit and reference check required
- Infant CPR training
- Oregon Criminal History Registration
- Should have own transportation
Compensation: no pay

Translation: We want someone that is highly trained, speaks fluently in at least two languages, and need you to move out of your home. We need you to have a car, and even if you have a car payment you will need to either be filthy rich or have a very large savings to pay for your own gas and food, and other living expenses because we don't plan to pay you a cent for your troubles, even though we live in a wonderful home and make plenty of money to pay someone to care for our children. All we plan to offer you is a place to live in exchange for excellent quality care for our two precious babies. We expect you to pass intensive criminal checks, because most people who will work for free will steal to make ends meet.

Needing a White Trash Washboard Band

Do you have a band that plays jug, washboard, saw, kettle string, spoons, juice harp, etc? If so, we're looking to hire you for our upcoming White Trash Wine Tasting Party. Pay is cheap, (all the recyclables you can carry) but there'll be lots of good "white trash" food and drinks. If you behave yourselves we may even let you stay for midnight croquet.

Interesting way of hiring someone, insult them by calling them "white trash" offer them your garbage, and expect them to entertain you! How about this, I'll show up with a few pots and pans, get a few little kids to bang on them for a bit while singing the theme song to Beverly Hillbillies! You can recycle your own garbage, and none of us will behave - leaving you to play midnight croquet with your "white trash" wino friends!

Wanted: Unfriendly Goats

I need a couple of goats to eat brush on my land. I would prefer a couple that are not somebodys pets, the last set we had, were raised in some gals house, and I could not get them to eat brush, instead they were trying to get in the house to play with my shitzus. They will have a good home, but then need to pull there weight. Cash or trade, let me know what you have, Thanks.

Maybe I've misunderstood, but they want goats that don't play in the house, just eat the brush. But the cash or trade part, "let me know what you have" sounds like they want your goats and your goods!

How Much for that Banana?

My name is Scott. I have a couple of hairs on my behind area and I feel great remorse for ever having grown them. I feel tainted. My doctor refuses to give me my weekly rectal exam because he is disgusted by my hairs. I tried to shave, but I cannot see my bum. I can only feel the soft downy hairs. I am willing to trade you a half eaten banana for a very dull razor that I can use for you to come and shave the harsh whiskers off of my bum. I just do not want anyone to see what my bum looks like or I would be mortified. Plus, I have worms, and I do not want anyone to know about that. Those worms are my pets, and to have them harmed is unthinkable. They are for sale however. You could use them for fishing bait as long as you promise not to harm them. You will need to pay me for the half eaten banana if you giggle at my infested rectal area. Please do not laugh. Love eternally, Scott

Alright, I'm going to have to pay up, I slipped and giggled a little, sorry Scott!