Showing posts with label Help Me Please. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Help Me Please. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

I Want Pretty Dirt, But I Feel Like an eHarmony Reject!

LAWN REHAB:


If honesty, integrity, follow-through, and hard work are part of your character descriptions AND you smile, have a sense of humor, AND can communicate via email and texts, please, keep reading!

Frankly, I'm sick of having contractors come through my home. They bid too much, bid too little, don't call back, show up for a day and leave. I don't want to have to interview anybody else. Mainly, what I want is for my dirt to look pretty. I'm in a rental and the landlord is cheap so if I can get the weeds up, level the dirt, and then fix these sunken beds that some self-righteous kid dug up and then stuck me with along with a bunch of rosemary, that's all I really want to get a bid on. I have pictures and previous estimates and would like to get back to real life so I'd rather accomplish what we can via email before asking you to come over and both of our time be wasted (or not wasted.) 

Man, I sound like a bummer, but it's been six weeks and I'm so, so tired :) This is how the e-Harmony people must feel. 
  • Location: East Palmdale
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
  • Compensation: Reasonable Bid
PostingID: 2852964507

Monday, March 16, 2009

This is Why They Teach Sex Ed in 5th Grade!

Wanted: time machine DESPERATE!!!


Date: 2009-01-12, 5:53PM MST


Desperately need a time machine to take me back 6 weeks in time, plus or minus a day. If you have a time machine and are willing to let me borrow it, or know of someone with an impending trip back in time, please let me know ASAP!

I will pay big bucks to have myself warned to NOT sleep with that tramp at the One and Only Bar on the Boulevard.

Tell me that she is very, VERY fertile that night in question, and has a whopping 3 STDs that I will get if I copulate with her.

VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!!

I WILL WRITE YOU A BLANK CHECK IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES!

Key things that will let the me in the past know you are for real:

*Tell me that you know about the rubber ducky incident

*Tell me that you know that I pissed in my friends pool last week, when he was in it.

*Tell me that no matter how hard I try, the lesbian at Barnes and Noble will NEVER go for it, no matter how many sex books I ask her opinions on.

If I still doubt you- use this one-----

*Mention that you know I made out with my cousin when we were drunk at a kegger last summer- NO ONE KNOWS THIS BUT US TWO!!

VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!!