Showing posts with label I Dunno How. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I Dunno How. Show all posts

Monday, March 16, 2009

This is Why They Teach Sex Ed in 5th Grade!

Wanted: time machine DESPERATE!!!


Date: 2009-01-12, 5:53PM MST


Desperately need a time machine to take me back 6 weeks in time, plus or minus a day. If you have a time machine and are willing to let me borrow it, or know of someone with an impending trip back in time, please let me know ASAP!

I will pay big bucks to have myself warned to NOT sleep with that tramp at the One and Only Bar on the Boulevard.

Tell me that she is very, VERY fertile that night in question, and has a whopping 3 STDs that I will get if I copulate with her.

VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!!

I WILL WRITE YOU A BLANK CHECK IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES!

Key things that will let the me in the past know you are for real:

*Tell me that you know about the rubber ducky incident

*Tell me that you know that I pissed in my friends pool last week, when he was in it.

*Tell me that no matter how hard I try, the lesbian at Barnes and Noble will NEVER go for it, no matter how many sex books I ask her opinions on.

If I still doubt you- use this one-----

*Mention that you know I made out with my cousin when we were drunk at a kegger last summer- NO ONE KNOWS THIS BUT US TWO!!

VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

You Catch 'em, You Keep 'em - No Kill Homes Get First Consideration!

FREE VERMIN!!!!


Date: 2009-01-13, 5:28PM MST

2 Free very cute, young, rambunctious, healthy, WILD mice. We don’t have it in our hearts to kill the little guys, but alas they’re vermin none the less…..these guys are fast, and, apparently, completely unscathed by, “quick humane death” traps. Maybe you got a mouse maze from one of your kids science/woodshop projects that never really was that entertaining because feeder mice are too dumb and slow…..these little guys are smart (smart enough to figure out how to lick the traps clean of peanut butter repeatedly….) and VERY fast (and they can jump straight up about 8’inches). Theres two, so you can race ‘em and take bets?......maybe you’re the type of sicko that would love to see your cat get a bit of exercise and a treat or two……maybe you’ve a snake who needs a bit more of a challenge than a lab mouse…..or perhaps you’ve taken to falconry and lab mice aren’t worthy quarry for your fine feathered friend……..MAYBE you got a soft spot in your heart and a good place to let these guys go (that’s be awesome, just not by my house).

The thing is, I’ve gone to battle nail and tooth with these little bastards for over 2 weeks (cleaned traps, avoided traps, they’ve dodged and antagonized my Jack Russel Terrier, who’s got it out for them something fierce-impressive by itself)
Now you’d think that that would make it easy enough for me to just squish them or throw them out, alive in a sealed container into the dumpster…..But, alas, they’ve been formidable foes, leaving me more than impressed on one occasion, and, as my girl says, they’re just so damn cute! So, here I am like Pancho Pilot, wanting only to have my hands clean of the affair, leaving their fate to the rabble (craigslisters) and wanting only peace of mind.

Please let me know if you plan to keep them as pets or set them free somewhere more, “rodent-friendly” and you will get priority- but seeing as the current demand (blame the economy) is low for wild mice as pets, they’re more than welcome, and worthy, to be lunch/entertainment for your fiendish God complex- At least they might have a fighting chance, sort of.

I'd also like to add;
Ive since switched to the oldschool wooden traps- a bit messy and anachronistic, but they really are a quick humane death.

and if anyone says peanutbutter is the best way to catch a mouse, they're wrong!!! parmesian cheese is the absolute best, it's irresistable to the little guys!!!

Saturday, January 6, 2007

The I-Can't-Fix-it-Guy Needs Help

Help me finish many projects. Please have experience, transportation and time to work. Please own tools, and be reliable. I need baseboards installed, windows repaired, a window framed, and many other projects.

Translation: I started many projects, but I never finish anything. My wife is getting upset, so it's time to get them done now. I hope you have experience, because I don't know what I'm doing, and that's why I never finished. Please bring your own tools, all I have is a bag of nails and a wrench.

Tuesday, December 5, 2006

Weight Loss Wonder Diet

My husband is wanting to loose weight, we have heard that weight watchers works. Don't have the time or money to join. Looking for slider, calculator, plan books, anything that would help him to understand how best to loose the weight.

I think Dolly Parton said it best back in the 1980's. Her exact words were, "Just stop eating so damn much!"