Farming, Boxing, and Learn to Fight Zombies!

Learn to box and help develop and maintain a veggie garden. Free to participate. Take home a share of what you help grow. www.farmandfight.com YES!

July 1st - Zombie Defense Course! $25 gets you in. Priceless skill set gets you out, alive. Special guest instructors give you the basics on what to do when you run out of ammo (assuming you had any to begin with!) 

• Location: Portland
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3047309309

$50 Spares Your Pet From Post-Rapture Abandonment - After Rapture Pet Care Solutions

best of craigslist > kansas city > Your Pets Will Not Be Flagged For Removal By Jesus During the Rapture

Originally Posted: Thu, 19 Jun 15:59 CDT

Your Pets Will Not Be Flagged For Removal By Jesus During the Rapture

---

Date: 2008-06-19, 3:59PM CDT

---

FLAGGERS: Over half the United States population has legitimate concerns about what will happen to their pets after the rapture occurs. Please respect their faith and allow this service to remain posted, just as the waste removal and grooming posts remain posted. Again, over half of the US population feels that this is a concern to them. If there is a specific problem with the ad, please email me. Thank you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"No one knows when that day or hour will come. Even the angels in heaven and the Son don't know. Only the Father knows."
(Matthew 24:36)

"For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord."
(1 Thessalonians 4:15�17)

Have you ever thought about what will happen to your pets after Jesus comes back to claim the souls of the saved during the Rapture and deliver them to heaven to enjoy ever lasting life? The bible clearly teaches that only those that have accepted Jesus as their savior will enter heaven (John 14:6, Romans 3:23), and we all know that pets do not have the cognitive ability to do this, so what will happen to your beloved pets? Surely without you there, they would be stuck inside your empty house, starving to death with no one to feed them, let them out to potty, or clean their litter box. This is probably not what you envision for your pets after you are gone. This is where I come in.

I am here to offer you pet care service for after the rapture. As an atheist, I will surely still be here on this earth post rapture and would love to look after your pets for a small fee and make sure they are still well taken care of after you and your family have been raptured. You will be able to look down on them from heaven and see them being well cared for by me and living happy, healthy lives. Do not let my atheism scare you! I am a moral and loving pet owner and would never do harm to any animal.

For a small deposit of only $50, you can be assured that your pets will be well cared for from the time that you are raptured until the end of their natural life. They will get adequate amounts of food, water, and shelter as well as plenty of exercise and socialization as I would imagine there will be a lot of pets that will be abandoned by Jesus the pet hater that will need to be cared for.

If interested, please email me for my PayPal address (you can also send me a check if you prefer) so you can assure that your pets will be taken care of after Jesus comes to take your soul to heaven. $50 is only a small price to pay to know that while you are enjoying everlasting bliss, your pets will be cared for until their end days. Thanks and have a great day!

Please do not flag this ad. It is very serious.

• Location: Kansas City
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 725674463

Are You an Astronaut with a Death Wish? We Need You!

Astronaut Needed

---

Date: 2009-10-12, 5:37PM

Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan. I have been working on this project now for near 40 years and am afraid I'm no longer fit enough to go.

My secret space craft is the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist.

The craft harnesses a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material. While considerably safe, I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home. Here's your shot at romantic history.

Must be:
-physically fit.
-mentally sound.
-over the age of 18.
-a dreamer.
-a believer.
-not afraid of heights.
-not afraid of extreme conditions such as speed, pressure, heat, etc.
-brave.
-no taller than 5'10 and relatively slim.
-good eye-sight & hearing.
-manual dexterity (although the craft is largely cpu controlled).
-OK in cramped conditions for long periods of time.

Location: Northern Alberta
Compensation: $25,000 CASH.
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Offering a Thousand Dollars to Extract a Troubled Tooth

This is a serious offer. I am offering $1,000 in cash to a knowledgeable Dentist or Dental Student to extract my tooth. Industry standards and tools must apply. I'm not looking to make things worse for myself.

I have gone the medical and dental route and had no luck. However this tooth is giving me GREAT problems. More details upon serious request.

No names or questions asked. Please only serious offers from knowledgeable dental people please respond.

The Problem with this request:
If there are no names or questions asked, how can you be sure that the person who responds has experience? Tools and dental books are available to any old Dommer on the internet!! I would think that $1000 could easily pay for an extraction procedure at a traditional dentist, you know . . . the kind that doesn't work out of their home!

To My Neighbor Who I Saw Pooping in His Yard Yesterday

Posted Anonymously in Pittsburgh

I saw you couched down with your pants around your ankles. I asked "Hey, what are you doing?". Your reply was "Pooping in a groundhog hole! I read about it online. It's suppose to trick the groundhog into thinking another animal has moved into it's lair.".

Since you are normally a sane person I refrained from calling the police.

That is just hilarious!! I thought the 12 year old boy who pooped in my mothers yard was strange, but this certainly sounds like a grown adult - I think!

We are being watched. I read about forums of people all accross the country that keep in touch with each other and monitor all of the CL boards. They collectivly decide who to flag using some fancy algorythim(sic). We caught one and this is his mug shot---

Turn Dog Poop Into Dollars!

Do you love dogs and like making money? As you will see, this may be a simple business, but it definitely has super profit margins and a great return on your investment. Get your own exclusive protected territory.

"Keeping your Lawn Green and your Shoes Clean!"

British Pony Poop For Plants

Original Ad Reads:
You haul big or small! Aged pony/sheep/chicken manure empty 50 pound grain bags and shovels provided for backyard gardeners to Fill and Haul. Easy to get to in a covered manure shed. I have no tractor for loading, but can provide some shovels and 50 pound grain bags. Fill up a bag and put it in your car boot! (trunk for Americans, but the ponies are British, so using a British term!) If we fill the bag at $2 each. Come by anytime between 9am and 5pm on Labor Day (we'll be having a garage sale too) or email to ask about other times. We'll be around most of the next 4 days.

Translation:
We don't have any way to dispose of all of the animal poop that is produced on our land, so we'll make you an offer - You can have it FREE!!! In fact, this is very special aged British pony poop, and it's available to you at no cost for a limited time only. We also carry old chicken and sheep poop, and we'll bag it for you for two bucks a bag, that way you don't have to shovel the old poop yourself.

How Much for that Banana?

My name is Scott. I have a couple of hairs on my behind area and I feel great remorse for ever having grown them. I feel tainted. My doctor refuses to give me my weekly rectal exam because he is disgusted by my hairs. I tried to shave, but I cannot see my bum. I can only feel the soft downy hairs. I am willing to trade you a half eaten banana for a very dull razor that I can use for you to come and shave the harsh whiskers off of my bum. I just do not want anyone to see what my bum looks like or I would be mortified. Plus, I have worms, and I do not want anyone to know about that. Those worms are my pets, and to have them harmed is unthinkable. They are for sale however. You could use them for fishing bait as long as you promise not to harm them. You will need to pay me for the half eaten banana if you giggle at my infested rectal area. Please do not laugh. Love eternally, Scott

Alright, I'm going to have to pay up, I slipped and giggled a little, sorry Scott!

Will Barter for Butter

I would trade some old faded newsclippings of no particular subject for some velvety butter that I can smooth on my delicate bum bum. I prefer "I Can't Believe it's Not Butter." But not the spray. That will sting my stretchmarks. I plan to smack my adorable perky bum until it is bright and rosy red. If you have any extra cartons of butter, I indeed will trade you my valuable newsclippings. (They are of no value.) If you would prefer to come and slather the butter on my bum yourself, that would be okay as well. Just promise not to peek, or I will be humiliated.

By far this is one of the most hilarious requests I've seen yet on Craigslist! As a matter of fact, there was even a name and picture of the "bum bum" ready for spreading! But I held back on posting the name, just in case someone is playing a cruel joke on another person!

Take All, Not Just the Undies

I have various sizes of pantiliners, kotex and underwear for incontinence. Must take all.

Hmmm, bummer. I only wanted the underwear.

Stranger than Strange: The Un-Dead Hamster

I think this is nearly impossible but I'm looking for a licensed pet taxidermist, who does hamsters/small animals. Now I know this probably won't happen. My hammy isn't dead yet I'm just preparing for the future. Thank you. Please no mean or ridicule. Thanks

I don't know about "impossible", but this is definitely one of the stranger ads posted on Craigslist. Probably already has a pretty little spot on the shelf, already picked out!