I'm Not Asking That Much of You, Really

Hi, I am in need of desperate help with housecleaning of my apartment. What I am looking for is someone who is extremely professional with a Master in Custodial Engineering, must show proof of degree. You must also have at least 6 professional references from past employers, plus two letters of recommendation from previous professors. I would also like to see some before and after pictures of your previous work; you know, something really drastic and shocking, sort of like the those cheesy late night commercials showing someone losing 400 pounds in three weeks eating nothing but tofu.

Must have a valid license from the State of Oregon in custodial re-engineering and licensure from the health department. Also, you need to use completely organic cleaning materials because I am allergic to everything, yes, everything; hair, air, water, saliva, urine, flowers, carpet, wool, bamboo, noodles, soy, watermelons, children.

Must carry full insurance. Must have at least 15 years professional experience in the Domestic Asset and Fungi Relocation industry. Also, you cannot have a sense of humor, as I own none such thing.

I have a 400sf studio that needs very deep cleaning. No carpet, just wood floor that was hand-cut by children in Northern Canada then was carried to my home by Laotian donkeys, don't ask how we came about the donkeys. One toilet, one sink, very small shower. Small kitchen. I need the floor scrubbed with a tooth brush of fine natural hair from an Asian Ox; I will provide the ox.

In return for this service, I will take some instant Polaroid pictures of you. Don't worry, they will be very classy and professional as I have a Doctorate in Photographic Reproduction. If that's not enough, I will also give you a 15 minute massage; well, I won't give you the massage, we'll drive down to the mall to one of those little massage chairs in the middle of the food court where they charge by the minute. I look forward to hearing from you!

I don't even know what to say to that one!

Tree Climber Offers Aerial Rescues

25 year tree climber specializing in dead hazzardious removals. quality tree care at a cheeper price. we also do aireial cat rescues.

I think I need to call this guy, my cat has been stuck in the air for an hour or so, and has yet to come back down. I hope "aireial" cat rescues are cheap!

Take All, Not Just the Undies

I have various sizes of pantiliners, kotex and underwear for incontinence. Must take all.

Hmmm, bummer. I only wanted the underwear.

Stranger than Strange: The Un-Dead Hamster

I think this is nearly impossible but I'm looking for a licensed pet taxidermist, who does hamsters/small animals. Now I know this probably won't happen. My hammy isn't dead yet I'm just preparing for the future. Thank you. Please no mean or ridicule. Thanks

I don't know about "impossible", but this is definitely one of the stranger ads posted on Craigslist. Probably already has a pretty little spot on the shelf, already picked out!

Some Craigslist Ad Titles Are So Misleading!

Looking for miniature horse or donkey to love...

Dude, that's not legal here . . .oh, wait - that was only the title! Reading the rest of the ad clears it up a little!

Looking for miniature horse or donkey to enjoy our acreage with the goats and Alpacas. I'm not looking to purchase them just rehome them if they are in need.

Ahhh, I get it now!

Lemme Borrow Your Mower, I'll Feed it for You

We have a 1/2 acre fully fenced with a 1 stall barn. I would like to have an animal or animals to graze the 1/2 acre during the grass growing season. we do not want to keep the animal during the winter. If you need to graze your animal and are willing to take it back when the grass stops growing, get in touch with us. Your animals must share our barn yard with the resident Chickens. We would like to have small animals such as Goat, Goats, Sheep, Alpaca, Alpacas, Miniature Horse, Miniature Horses. No full size horses please, we have experience with Goats and Sheep. So you need land, and we need grass trimming, we have no intention to keep these animals, but they will be safe and cared for during their stay.

Really now... But I think I'm more entertained by the use of singular and plural animal names, with the exception of sheep. What, you won't take a lamb? But no full sized horses, they have no experience with riding mowers!

The I-Can't-Fix-it-Guy Needs Help

Help me finish many projects. Please have experience, transportation and time to work. Please own tools, and be reliable. I need baseboards installed, windows repaired, a window framed, and many other projects.

Translation: I started many projects, but I never finish anything. My wife is getting upset, so it's time to get them done now. I hope you have experience, because I don't know what I'm doing, and that's why I never finished. Please bring your own tools, all I have is a bag of nails and a wrench.