I Don't Know What This Job is About But I Want It

Whatever you want to put on your next resume (Multnomah) hide this posting

© craigslist - Map data © OpenStreetMap

(google map)

compensation: $12/hr
employment type: full-time 

Are you looking for a new job to complain about?
Are you looking for new friends to listen to your complaints?
Are you looking for new skills to overly embellish on your future resume?
Then perhaps you should consider applying for a position in our office. We are a law firm. We help people. You can too.

Skills you will acquire:
How to manage time effectively due to the challenging workload
How to manage stress effectively due to the challenging workload
How to discreetly cry in the bathroom due to the challenging workload
How to turn all of that into a meme for your cubicle

Benefits:
Health Insurance
Simple IRA
Free lunch if certain goals are met
Free booze, in the form of Happy Hour hosted events
Free baked goods for all on birthdays

Bragging Rights:
Robin Hood Complex (taking sweet, sweet money from the government to help the less fortunate)

Millennials, hipsters, and those with mediocre expectations and dreams are encouraged to apply. Send me your resume. Must be available Monday through Friday 8 am - 5 pm, full time.

Farming, Boxing, and Learn to Fight Zombies!

Learn to box and help develop and maintain a veggie garden. Free to participate. Take home a share of what you help grow. www.farmandfight.com YES!

July 1st - Zombie Defense Course! $25 gets you in. Priceless skill set gets you out, alive. Special guest instructors give you the basics on what to do when you run out of ammo (assuming you had any to begin with!) 

• Location: Portland
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 3047309309

Pay Us to Learn So You Don't Have To Do It

Help At College?

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We are a growing community of students and grads who post and complete college assignments in exchange for money on our website. If you need help with an essay etc... then get in touch! We are also looking for more smart and reliable people to help complete work for others.

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: varies

PostingID: 2852956601

I Want Pretty Dirt, But I Feel Like an eHarmony Reject!

LAWN REHAB:


If honesty, integrity, follow-through, and hard work are part of your character descriptions AND you smile, have a sense of humor, AND can communicate via email and texts, please, keep reading!

Frankly, I'm sick of having contractors come through my home. They bid too much, bid too little, don't call back, show up for a day and leave. I don't want to have to interview anybody else. Mainly, what I want is for my dirt to look pretty. I'm in a rental and the landlord is cheap so if I can get the weeds up, level the dirt, and then fix these sunken beds that some self-righteous kid dug up and then stuck me with along with a bunch of rosemary, that's all I really want to get a bid on. I have pictures and previous estimates and would like to get back to real life so I'd rather accomplish what we can via email before asking you to come over and both of our time be wasted (or not wasted.) 

Man, I sound like a bummer, but it's been six weeks and I'm so, so tired :) This is how the e-Harmony people must feel. 

• Location: East Palmdale
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• Compensation: Reasonable Bid

PostingID: 2852964507

Occupy Protesters Motivation Envy

Occupy Protesters Motivation Envy

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Date: 2011-10-18, 12:58PM PDT
Reply to:

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The shaggy soldiers of Occupy Wall Street have ignited simpatico protests in 900 cities four weeks after it began as an illegal sleepover in a privately owned park near Wall Street. Now the occupy protester people can have some say in the horrific buisiness only bailouts for the rich get richers just in the thinking that is going to keep capitalism getting stronger are upset and complain about the fact that they the people complaining are the forgotten people in the trenches who don;t also get the same big bailouts by the us government to make them happy like the buisinesses seem to be touting fakely also .

But what is it, really, that unites these unwashed and miffed masses? Envy. The Occupiers OWS is a fitting label for them, for they profess to be in great pain want government to not be shocked when people complain about the shitty plight of the middle classes and poor working classes in this country having to bow down to the rich bitches rich get richer mentality that Bush had on this country for 8 years to handled the same or better that the rich bitches got handled so eloquently under Bush and his rich get richer world for 8 years before Obama got there.

Take on too much college debt? Government should forgive that just like the Government Bailed out the Auto Industry and the Banking Industry and the Real Estate Industry yet forgot to Bail out the people first. Fall behind in payments on a home you were reckless to buy in the first place? Just like Banks bought up this country from under the masses so too should the people get to do that too and not be told off about it. Force the banks to wipe out the loans because the government bailed them out of their over spending so what makes the people not be bailed out also ! Waste time getting a Ph.D in 17th century Russian literature in an economy that needs engineers? So what the Banks were greedy with stupid investments and stupid ideas also so why whouldnt the people also be calling for Cap on professional salaries!

Envy is a two way street not just one sided like the bailouts did. Obama rushed to Bail out Banks and Automobile industrys and such to get people to also get bailed out too and not just the banks.. Whats so un American about the banks only getting the sentiment of the self-pitying, why shouldnt the people get some pitty too the self-banks shouldnt just be only entitled and the self-serving .

In our bones, we Americans -- the real "Americans" these indolent, bongo-playing hangerson purport to represent -- don't resent Banks and Automobile companys big buisinesses successes when they get bailed out by our tax paying dollars but why shouldnt we also the people in the trenches the working classes and middle classes that are the backbone of America also be inspired by bailouts for the people not just buisinesses, because we have were told that the American belief was that with hard work we, too, can acheive and attain success with things not just buisinesses ofwhat the rich only for 8 years under Bushes rich get richer have attained.






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• it's ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
• OK to contact me about appearing in CL documentary series

PostingID: 2656545550

Filing an Official Complaint Against the County of Shasta

Big League Dreams- regular folks nightmare (Shasta Co)
Date: 2011-08-29, 8:22AM PDT

It must cost a small fortune to keep that mistake running....

The grounds keeper
The water bill
The lights, insurance etc-
I say we start an open audit on our elected officials. After-all it was a handful of them
that pushed the paperwork to get the nightmare built? 

Location: Shasta Co

$50 Spares Your Pet From Post-Rapture Abandonment - After Rapture Pet Care Solutions

best of craigslist > kansas city > Your Pets Will Not Be Flagged For Removal By Jesus During the Rapture

Originally Posted: Thu, 19 Jun 15:59 CDT

Your Pets Will Not Be Flagged For Removal By Jesus During the Rapture

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Date: 2008-06-19, 3:59PM CDT

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FLAGGERS: Over half the United States population has legitimate concerns about what will happen to their pets after the rapture occurs. Please respect their faith and allow this service to remain posted, just as the waste removal and grooming posts remain posted. Again, over half of the US population feels that this is a concern to them. If there is a specific problem with the ad, please email me. Thank you.

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"No one knows when that day or hour will come. Even the angels in heaven and the Son don't know. Only the Father knows."
(Matthew 24:36)

"For this we say to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive and remain until the coming of the Lord will by no means precede those who are asleep. For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And thus we shall always be with the Lord."
(1 Thessalonians 4:15�17)

Have you ever thought about what will happen to your pets after Jesus comes back to claim the souls of the saved during the Rapture and deliver them to heaven to enjoy ever lasting life? The bible clearly teaches that only those that have accepted Jesus as their savior will enter heaven (John 14:6, Romans 3:23), and we all know that pets do not have the cognitive ability to do this, so what will happen to your beloved pets? Surely without you there, they would be stuck inside your empty house, starving to death with no one to feed them, let them out to potty, or clean their litter box. This is probably not what you envision for your pets after you are gone. This is where I come in.

I am here to offer you pet care service for after the rapture. As an atheist, I will surely still be here on this earth post rapture and would love to look after your pets for a small fee and make sure they are still well taken care of after you and your family have been raptured. You will be able to look down on them from heaven and see them being well cared for by me and living happy, healthy lives. Do not let my atheism scare you! I am a moral and loving pet owner and would never do harm to any animal.

For a small deposit of only $50, you can be assured that your pets will be well cared for from the time that you are raptured until the end of their natural life. They will get adequate amounts of food, water, and shelter as well as plenty of exercise and socialization as I would imagine there will be a lot of pets that will be abandoned by Jesus the pet hater that will need to be cared for.

If interested, please email me for my PayPal address (you can also send me a check if you prefer) so you can assure that your pets will be taken care of after Jesus comes to take your soul to heaven. $50 is only a small price to pay to know that while you are enjoying everlasting bliss, your pets will be cared for until their end days. Thanks and have a great day!

Please do not flag this ad. It is very serious.

• Location: Kansas City
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 725674463

Buy a New Identity - This is Your Chance, Wannabe Biker Dudes!

2008 Harley FLHTC Custom Bobfork - $87000 (Las Vegas)

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Date: 2011-02-08, 5:37PM PST

If you are looking for a chrome plated sub-tech slow no stopping lousy cornering oil leaking louder than Crackatoa motorcycle with black and white tv era technology that you can pay too much for then this bike is for you. This bike will make up for your tiny manhood and eggshell ego and is perfect for that fat-ass tits on the ground tattooed smelly bovine nearly toothless "old lady" you lug around with you every where you go just so you don't have to kiss her goodbye. Now you can show up at biker events and mingle with other beer-aholic losers who play dress up with the black outfits and stupid vests covered in dumb slogan patches and cheesy trinket buttons and pretend like you're a "son of anarchy."

This bike has enough chrome on it to blind you on a sunny day and enough money invested in it to keep my kids from having descent shoes or dental care. Why should they be different from Mom and Dad...right? If you buy it this week I'll throw in every other dumb thing I've bought just because it says "Harley" on it. Once you throw a leg over this beauty you can run that movie in your head where you're the big hero and chicks flock around you like flies. Actually those are flies, but your friends will tell you how "bad to the bone" you look and make you feel special and that alone is priceless in a world where you can get a personality from a dealership. So don't wait. Bust out that wallet tethered to you with a dog chain and plop down your kids college tuition and you can fantasize about being a man. This is your chance.

Are You an Astronaut with a Death Wish? We Need You!

Astronaut Needed

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Date: 2009-10-12, 5:37PM

Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan. I have been working on this project now for near 40 years and am afraid I'm no longer fit enough to go.

My secret space craft is the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist.

The craft harnesses a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material. While considerably safe, I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home. Here's your shot at romantic history.

Must be:
-physically fit.
-mentally sound.
-over the age of 18.
-a dreamer.
-a believer.
-not afraid of heights.
-not afraid of extreme conditions such as speed, pressure, heat, etc.
-brave.
-no taller than 5'10 and relatively slim.
-good eye-sight & hearing.
-manual dexterity (although the craft is largely cpu controlled).
-OK in cramped conditions for long periods of time.

Location: Northern Alberta
Compensation: $25,000 CASH.
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

This is Why They Teach Sex Ed in 5th Grade!

Wanted: time machine DESPERATE!!!

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Date: 2009-01-12, 5:53PM MST


Desperately need a time machine to take me back 6 weeks in time, plus or minus a day. If you have a time machine and are willing to let me borrow it, or know of someone with an impending trip back in time, please let me know ASAP!

I will pay big bucks to have myself warned to NOT sleep with that tramp at the One and Only Bar on the Boulevard.

Tell me that she is very, VERY fertile that night in question, and has a whopping 3 STDs that I will get if I copulate with her.

VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!!

I WILL WRITE YOU A BLANK CHECK IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES!

Key things that will let the me in the past know you are for real:

*Tell me that you know about the rubber ducky incident

*Tell me that you know that I pissed in my friends pool last week, when he was in it.

*Tell me that no matter how hard I try, the lesbian at Barnes and Noble will NEVER go for it, no matter how many sex books I ask her opinions on.

If I still doubt you- use this one-----

*Mention that you know I made out with my cousin when we were drunk at a kegger last summer- NO ONE KNOWS THIS BUT US TWO!!

VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!!

You Catch 'em, You Keep 'em - No Kill Homes Get First Consideration!

FREE VERMIN!!!!

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Date: 2009-01-13, 5:28PM MST

2 Free very cute, young, rambunctious, healthy, WILD mice. We don’t have it in our hearts to kill the little guys, but alas they’re vermin none the less…..these guys are fast, and, apparently, completely unscathed by, “quick humane death” traps. Maybe you got a mouse maze from one of your kids science/woodshop projects that never really was that entertaining because feeder mice are too dumb and slow…..these little guys are smart (smart enough to figure out how to lick the traps clean of peanut butter repeatedly….) and VERY fast (and they can jump straight up about 8’inches). Theres two, so you can race ‘em and take bets?......maybe you’re the type of sicko that would love to see your cat get a bit of exercise and a treat or two……maybe you’ve a snake who needs a bit more of a challenge than a lab mouse…..or perhaps you’ve taken to falconry and lab mice aren’t worthy quarry for your fine feathered friend……..MAYBE you got a soft spot in your heart and a good place to let these guys go (that’s be awesome, just not by my house).

The thing is, I’ve gone to battle nail and tooth with these little bastards for over 2 weeks (cleaned traps, avoided traps, they’ve dodged and antagonized my Jack Russel Terrier, who’s got it out for them something fierce-impressive by itself)
Now you’d think that that would make it easy enough for me to just squish them or throw them out, alive in a sealed container into the dumpster…..But, alas, they’ve been formidable foes, leaving me more than impressed on one occasion, and, as my girl says, they’re just so damn cute! So, here I am like Pancho Pilot, wanting only to have my hands clean of the affair, leaving their fate to the rabble (craigslisters) and wanting only peace of mind.

Please let me know if you plan to keep them as pets or set them free somewhere more, “rodent-friendly” and you will get priority- but seeing as the current demand (blame the economy) is low for wild mice as pets, they’re more than welcome, and worthy, to be lunch/entertainment for your fiendish God complex- At least they might have a fighting chance, sort of.

I'd also like to add;
Ive since switched to the oldschool wooden traps- a bit messy and anachronistic, but they really are a quick humane death.

and if anyone says peanutbutter is the best way to catch a mouse, they're wrong!!! parmesian cheese is the absolute best, it's irresistable to the little guys!!!

Honey, We're Havin' Road Kill for Dinner!

WANTED: ROADKILL

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Date: 2009-01-20, 3:57PM EST

I want your roadkill. Why, might you ask? Simple. I drive around and regularly see 1-2 deer a week on the side of the road, rotting. Since an average deer has about 80-120 pounds of usable venison on it, its a shame that all that meat is wasted. Plus, you can't normally buy venison, so unless you have a hunting friend or hunt yourself (or pay crazy prices at a restaurant), you can never enjoy the lean, tasty meat that is venison.

So, here's my offer. If you happen to hit a deer (or larger animal, although I don't think we have many of those in southern Virginia), you can bring the animal to me, and I'll carve it up for you, and split the meat 50/50. I hunt, and I do my own butchering, so it doesn't take too long for me, and I enjoy it. Since hunting season is now passed, I'd like something to occupy my time, while also filling my freezer.

There are rules though, like anything else in life:
1. It has to be a deer or bigger. I'm not carving up a flat squirrel for you.
2. It must be less than a day old. God only knows what happens to the carcass after a day of sitting there.
3. You have to call the police after your accident. The cops come out and issue you a permit so that you legally own the deer. It's quick, and it keeps it legal (I'm not carving up poached animals, and if you poach, you should rid the world of your sorry existence).
4. You bring the animal to me (I'm in Suffolk), and I do the rest, and call you when its done. If you live in Suffolk, or hit the deer in Suffolk, I could come to you, but I'm not driving to VA Beach at 10 pm at night.
5. I'll cut up the animal and give half the meat to you in sealed bags. I'll even label it, so you'll know what cuts you're getting. You eat it and enjoy!

Of course, you may feel odd eating roadkill. I mean, that's a redneck thing, right? Absolutely untrue. For starters, you're using meat that would normally be wasted, so its good for the environment. Venison is leaner (deer don't sit on big farms eating corn), healthier (no injected hormones here!), and tastier (there is no such thing as "gamey" meat. That's just anti-hunters trying to justify themselves) than beef. Plus, you get it for nothing (except whatever your car insurance deductible is, if you decide to file a claim). All these positive reasons are sure to impress your hippie friends, if you are unfortunate enough to have some.

Drop me an email (I check it all the time, so replies won't take long) when you hit a deer. If you're a police officer and want my phone number (since you probably get calls all the time), you can email me and I'll give you my cell number. If its late, you can always temporarily store the animal at your house and bring it over when I get back to you.

Start enjoying the meat of your unfortunate labors!

• Location: Hampton Roads, VA
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Nipple Shields

Title Reads:
Nipple Shields

Ad Reads:
3 nipple shields for breast feeding. All in excellent condition and sterile. Comes for non smoking home, calls only please

Personal Note:
My roommate thought they were for belly dancing . . . I don't know if that says more about the ad poster, or my roommate. The title might be misleading, but at least the ad cleared it up.

Kids Need a New Home Now - Puppy Coming Soon!

This person obviously put a lot of time and creativity into creating this hilarious anti-pet-re-homing ad. The flaggers and the ad-police where in full swing when this was posted!

HELP URGENTLY REQUIRED!

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Please help! After two long years of being on a waiting list for an exotic rare breed dog, we were finally notified by the breeder that at long last, our number has come up, and...

WE'RE HAVING A PUPPY!

We must IMMEDIATELY get rid of our children now, because we just KNOW how time consuming our new little puppy is going to be! Since our puppy will be arriving on Monday, we MUST place the children in new homes this weekend!!!

They are described as:

One male, white, blonde hair, blue eyes. Four years old. Excellent disposition. He doesn't bite. Name is Tommy. Temperament tested. Current on all shots. Tonsils removed already and very healthy condition!

Tommy eats everything, is very clean, house trained and gets along well with others. Does not run with scissors and with a little time and training, he will do well in a new home.

One female, strawberry blonde hair, green eyes. Three years old. Can be surly at times. Non-biter, thumb sucker. Her name is Mary. Temperament tested, but needs a little attitude adjusting occasionally. She is current on all shots, tonsils out, and is very healthy and happy (mostly.) Gets along well with little boys, but does not like to share toys.

She is house trained, and would do best in a one child household.

We really LOVE our children, and want to do what is best for them. I hope you understand, that ours is a UNIQUE situation, and we have a real emergency here! They MUST be placed by Sunday night at the latest.

Offering a Thousand Dollars to Extract a Troubled Tooth

This is a serious offer. I am offering $1,000 in cash to a knowledgeable Dentist or Dental Student to extract my tooth. Industry standards and tools must apply. I'm not looking to make things worse for myself.

I have gone the medical and dental route and had no luck. However this tooth is giving me GREAT problems. More details upon serious request.

No names or questions asked. Please only serious offers from knowledgeable dental people please respond.

The Problem with this request:
If there are no names or questions asked, how can you be sure that the person who responds has experience? Tools and dental books are available to any old Dommer on the internet!! I would think that $1000 could easily pay for an extraction procedure at a traditional dentist, you know . . . the kind that doesn't work out of their home!

To My Neighbor Who I Saw Pooping in His Yard Yesterday

Posted Anonymously in Pittsburgh

I saw you couched down with your pants around your ankles. I asked "Hey, what are you doing?". Your reply was "Pooping in a groundhog hole! I read about it online. It's suppose to trick the groundhog into thinking another animal has moved into it's lair.".

Since you are normally a sane person I refrained from calling the police.

That is just hilarious!! I thought the 12 year old boy who pooped in my mothers yard was strange, but this certainly sounds like a grown adult - I think!

I Saw Good Luck Chuck So Will You Sleep With Me Please

Anonymously Posted in Washington D.C.

So, I've recently come to the realization that I possess a remarkable skill. I have the ability to reconnect women with ex-boyfriends that broke up with them. Now, some of you might be saying "Hey, that's pretty cool! How do you do that? I could make millions, or at least I could use that to trick women into sleeping with me!". Let me tell you, it sucks! The last three "girlfriends" I've had have all had their ex-boyfriends contact them shortly after starting to date me!

It took about a month and a half after we began dating for the first girl's ex to reconnect with her. And I really liked her (and he is an abusive asshole, she deserves so much better). Man did that suck. With the second girl, it took about three and a half weeks for her guy to come back (he was supposed to have left the freaking country!). I really liked her too. The third girl, it took her ex literally two days to contact her after our first date (and they had been apart for over five years!).

So, I appear to be getting better at this. Not only can I get you your boyfriend back within a few days, I can bring him back from incredibly unlikely circumstances. Have you been pining over an ex? Want him to give you a call? Perhaps he moved to Russia 12 years ago, got married, has 7 children, and you haven't heard from him since. No problem! One dinner and a movie with me and he'll likely be waiting on your doorstep when I drop you off.

Now, I haven't had a chance to properly test this, but I suspect that my skill works much better if we sleep together. Now, this might not be absolutely necessary, but you do really want to see your ex again right? Why risk it.

Shhh - Don't Tell My Husband

Trailer for Sale - $40 less than husband wants for it - TODAY ONLY!
My husband has been posting his trailer for sale for about 2 weeks for $125.I want it gone - BADLY!!!
Here's the deal - if you come here before he gets home tonight - around 6:30, I WILL SELL IT FOR $40 LESS THAN HE IS!!!!
I will sell you the trailer, which is a Toyota truck bed welded strongly onto a trailer, with 5-prong universal hitch (working tail-lights).
Email for directions, sorry I don't have a picture!

Here's a response I found:
No need to reply. You are completely mad! I love it. Fantastic. I wish more folks on craigslist had your sense of humor. Your ad is legend. It should go on the "best of craigslist" site! I hope y'all sell the trailer.

We are being watched. I read about forums of people all accross the country that keep in touch with each other and monitor all of the CL boards. They collectivly decide who to flag using some fancy algorythim(sic). We caught one and this is his mug shot---

I Need a Care Giver

So I just got my medical card and now I need a care giver. Are any of you CL readers a care giver with room for one more client? Send me an e-mail and let me know. Thanks for reading

Translation: I got a doctor to give me a prescription for weed, and now I need a grower to supply it for me. If anyone out there grows pot, please email me so that I can hook up. Thanks.